Resolution or Evolution

Above is a pic of my first day of motherhood—I had no clue what I had gotten myself into!

As 2022 fades away into memory, there is a sense of urgency that emerges at the start of a new year. Another year gone; another resolution failed. We try to rev ourselves back up to chase the dream of who want to be or “should” be. White knuckling change, even if it kills us. It’s all so predictable and depressing, I find. So why do we keep doing it? As heaven-bound creatures, made in the image and likeness of God, deep within, we know we were meant for so much more than this. But what if in “this” is where you find your “more”?

I have been entering into deeper self-reflection as I blog more consistently, pray more, and journal in my new favorite Metanoia Journal.  Some scary thoughts have been surfacing. I am a jack of all trades master of none, Motherhood is boring, or I want way too much more than this. These haunting thoughts bring guilt and shame about my identity.  How can I think these thoughts and be a good Catholic wife and mother? How can I want more than the precious life I have built? Thankfully, grace through reason melts over me into calmness. Restlessness is part of our human disposition—we are restless until we rest in Him according to St. Augustine. This, I know is true, but my head knowledge struggles to find its way into the deep knowing of my heart. As I wrestle with my restlessness, I wonder, can our pursuits for greatness lead us astray? Is authentic greatness found pursuing grand achievements or by leaning into one’s current station in life? Personally, I had to get very real with myself and question my own motivations to find answers. 

Often, in my coaching conversations with moms of either typical or atypical children, there is a concern of is this it? Every single one of them deeply love and are committed to their children, but motherhood seems to lack in the luster it had promised from the outside.  If we are brutally honest, we might have to admit that day-to-day motherhood is quite dull.  Am I allowed to say that?  For the life of me, I can’t remember any mom telling me before adopting my child that teething would last years, or that staying home meant not having anyone to talk to for hours each day, or that much time would be filled with wiping and swiping noses, bottoms and countertops. Oh, and the endless laundry . . . what the what?! A flurry of routines filled with monotonous tasks that promise to repeat themselves ad infinitum.  Maybe I wasn’t listening or chose not to? But it seems this fact about motherhood is society’s best kept secret. If too many women were to catch on before agreeing to this seemingly thankless existence, they would “close up shop” and future generations would be doomed.  Why then do we women say yes to this vocation? Could there must be something more to this?

Thankfully, there is. It’s just not obvious like a hot flashy result that comes with grinding away at the gym and making it happen.  Motherhood is in the details over time. The world doesn’t really care to explore the depths of it because it lacks the glamour or cleverness of instantaneous results.  So, motherhood is portrayed in extremes, either it’s some mystical Madonna-like fairytale or it’s an irreverent tragic comedy to be avoided by the truly smart types.  Or even worse, women are sold the lie “you can have it all” without consequence. In the end, it is up to every single mom to figure it out for herself. The truth is motherhood is submission to sacrifice.  Depressing? Only if what gets sacrificed is of more value than what emerges from the evolution.

I have spent a lot of my life dreaming of greatness.  Like many little girls, I was convinced I was made for something extraordinary. Since then, I feel like I have been trying on different roles, like costumes, wanting one desperately to fit, convinced there’d be one that would fit like a glove, and I could then be a great in that.  That just hasn’t been the case for me in profession or vocation. Motherhood has proven to be my toughest role yet.  However, this time, I don’t want to drop it and run, although I admit, I have felt the urge, strongly . . . many times.  I am now resisting the pressure to change for change’s sake or because I’ve got ants in my pants. Sure, I’d like to be fitter, smarter, better, have more clients, more likes, more degrees, more kids, more romance, more of more and more. But the idea of chasing “more” just feels insufficient and really, quite fruitless.  I now intuit there is more right here, if I dig in deep, take root and grow.

I look back searching for evidence to confirm my suspicion that staying put is worth sacrificing any possible novel experience.  I see my marriage and friendship of almost 15 years and the need to roam eases.  Here with Nathan, I have found deep peace and constancy that no other relationship in my life has brought me. This kind of love is formed not found.  Staying in one place, perfecting the simplicity of being with one another is so much more challenging than chasing a new challenge, or a “new me”. This is what I long to have in my motherhood.  Perhaps, the fruits are there, but hidden?

As many of you know, my son Caiden has cerebral palsy and is nonverbal and intellectually disabled.  Variety in our mother-son relationship is not easily available. Caiden has been doing and liking much of the same things he has done and liked since he was 18 months old. I guess, I don’t take enough time to mourn the loss of evolution in my son.  He grows, but much is still the same.  In my search for meaning, as David Kessler urges those who grieve loss try and find, there is me. I am changed. Special motherhood has made me more compassionate, gentler, perhaps more patient? Maybe even, evolved. I don’t know for sure. I do know, I no longer want to run when boredom or difficulty comes. I want to do what others in my past failed to do for me—I want to stay and be better.  It may not be a lot, but it’s what I got. Scripture encourages my small offering, with the words, “abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.” (John 15:4). I lean into this promise. Being here, staying with the Holy Spirit, present to my beloved boys in our home, I hope to become more than I ever imagined possible. 

What if we are not ready to process the seismic shift of great achievement before we face the tiny challenges within us?  What if in resolving to remain and work right where we are, is where we can gain the greatest lasting change? An evolution that promises so much more than a passing fancy. What if perfecting the imperfections that are apparent in daily living are what need to change most? What small change can you resolve to make over time, that will evolve your character, perfect your soul? More patience in traffic? More gentleness in speech? More intention in your delivery of care to your kids?  How about just starting there? Who might you become if you stay the course?

Honestly, I had imagined having a more glorious revelation, but I don’t yet. All I have is the resolve to stay, for now, and I will run with that. 😉